By Annmarie Miles
(From the April - June 2018 issue of VOX)
Do you want the rest of this?”
I spied the last pizza slice with affection. “No,” I lied. “I’ve had enough thanks.”
Truth is, I wanted that slice, and the other slices they had eaten, too.
That is a difficult memory to share but it’s a small step towards opening up. I’m working on a book about my problem with food and eating, in the hopes of helping others and myself. I’ve been pondering the concept of fullness as part of this painful project. Examining the difference between feeling full and being full is very much at the centre of it.
I asked a friend of mine, who is a lecturer in Hebrew, to help me understand the concept of ‘portion’ in the Old Testament. Portion sizes have long been an issue for me and I wanted a biblical perspective on ‘portion’. She told me that in some places, the original word for portion is closer to the word for part. God is my portion is not simply, ‘God is enough for me.’ It’s more that God is part of me. It was an exciting conversation as she gave me insight into the significance of the words used in some of the Psalms.
I am going through a bit of reconstruction on the outside but, more essentially, on the inside. I feel that God is taking me apart somewhat and, I pray, putting me back together as I should be. The eating, the weight, the self-loathing, the panic pretending that everything is okay, the self-doubt, the super confidence, the lying and crying… it all needs to be fixed. I need to be fixed.
I was invited to write a piece for a blog series on the subject of authenticity. I likened the experience of writing my book to Eustace’s experience in C.S. Lewis’ The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Eustace had been turned into a dragon. To turn him back into a boy, Aslan had to rip off the scaly dragon skin.
I wrote, “The truth is, authenticity is a huge risk. The scaly skin might be ugly and uncomfortable but taking it off hurts a lot. And when it’s gone, all that’s left is… well… me. I’ll be honest, I’m still not sure I’m ready for that.”
The path to wholeness, for me, is removing all crutches, coping mechanisms and chancing of my arm. I’m letting God do it, and it’s a scary thing.
But, how can I pass up the chance for wholeness? How can I turn down this offer to be transformed into who I was meant to be?
I want to be full. Full of what God wants for me, not the junk I’ve been settling for.
I want to be whole. Whole because He has filled me and fixed me, not the patched up version of it I’ve been settling for.
I believe it’s possible for me, and I’m not settling for small portions any more.
Except for pizza of course :)
Annmarie Miles is originally from Tallaght and now lives in her husband Richard’s homeland, Wales. As well as VOX articles, she writes short stories, and is working on a book about her journey with food, weight gain, weight loss and God. Visit her blog at www.auntyamo.com. On Twitter she is @amowriting.