My VOX column usually comes easy to me. I look at the theme of the upcoming edition, have a think about it for a day or sometimes even just an hour, and off I go... But this one has been hard to write. Actually, you're fortunate to be reading it at all, as I was more than usually late sending it in. (Apols to the VOX team.)
You see, I was going for chirpy cheery. Thatís what the Feint Saint has always been about - the light-hearted, upbeat piece that hopefully gives you a giggle or at the very least a smile. But after starting this about 20 times and scrunching it up, only to start again, I had to stop trying. I did wonder if I should give it a miss this edition and suggest that they put a photo of cat wearing sunglasses where the column should be.
The problem is that Iím not back yet. I'm on my way, but I'm still journeying back to where I was. I've had a really painful and difficult few months and the road back from there is long and slow.
I think the reason I was trying to force myself to appear "back to normal" is that I felt it was a sign of being beaten. A sign that I'm getting old and tired and I just have no more fight in me. No more energy to pretend. On reflection, though, I wonder (and hope) that it might be a sign of maturity. I've learned that I have to take my time and be honest about who I am and where I am.
What I do know is that I'm on my way; better than I was yesterday... and looking forward to tomorrow.
One of my favourite songs has a chorus that says:
Lord, lead us through the wilderness,
we trust that you’ll provide
Be our cloud by day and our fire by night,
and when we reach the other side
We’ll look back,
and all we’ll see is your goodness.
It has been true for me in the past and will be again. So Iíll see you on the other side. :)
Annmarie Miles is originally from Tallaght, now living in Kilcullen, Co. Kildare. She is married to Richard from Wales. She spends her days writing, teaching and talking. Her first collection of short stories, 'The Long & The Short of It' is available in all formats at www.emuink.ie (Fiction Section) and also in Footprints in Dun Laoghaire.